A Note to Aspiring Therapists (and other would-be helpers)

Recently I was invited to be on a panel of therapists and therapists-in-training, speaking about the profession of counseling to students at a local university .

There is a lot to say and little time to say it, either in the classroom, or in this weekly note, which I strive to keep short, nutritious, and (I hope) tasty. This note shares what I wound up saying to the undergraduates, though here I have the luxury of fleshing out the points in a way the panel format doesn’t allow.

The points I made started as notes to myself, principles I used to guide my transition from being a college professor to being a therapist. But even if you’re not a therapist, these points apply broadly to relations with friends, families, colleagues, and others. I hope they prove helpful as a reminder of the big picture—which easily gets lost amidst the press of particulars calling for our constant attention.

The first point is to recognize that who you are is the most important and effective power you bring to any therapeutic alliance. More technical alliances such as surgeon and patient, or accountant and client, are less therapeutic inasmuch as their effectiveness depends less on the quality of the alliance itself. In deeper alliances, however, who you are matters as much or more than your specific skills.

Research shows that the quality of the alliance is the most important nonspecific factor determining the effectiveness of therapy. Taken to heart, this fact provides relief, and an additional worry. It’s a relief to know that not so much hangs on whether you choose to become a practitioner of CBT, ACT, DBT, EMDR, EFT, IFS; or to identify as a counselor, psychologist, psychotherapist or analyst. More important to your success will be who you are, and who you are becoming. No pressure!

From this principle follows a second: Embrace learning and self-development. Examine and educate yourself, as Socrates says. Befriend yourself, as Aristotle advised. Develop yourself because you are, in a vital sense, the help being offered. Note that this is not to counsel narcissistic navel-gazing. On the contrary, in philosophy and in psychotherapy, personal growth includes the vigorous highway-of-despair work of learning how we get in our own, and others’, way. This hard-won wisdom is key to making better alliances.

The third point is that a fast, efficient way to get better at relationships is by, you guessed it, actively engaging in them. This has been a hard swallow for an introvert like myself. I love solitude and books and music. I often have wished (and sometimes acted as if) I could become a better friend to myself and others just by reading about it. (I even wrote a book about the art and philosophy of befriending dogs, so that people could read about being better friends to their dog, instead of taking their dog for a walk!)

Regarding the helping professions in particular, I stressed to the students the importance of seeking supportive relationships such as supervision, consultation, peer support, and therapy. Not just until you’re licensed, but periodically for as long as you’re a therapist. These relationships provide support ranging from emotional and moral to collegial and technical. They help you see where and how you’re getting in your own way, and offer tips for how to get out of it. Newer therapists typically need to be encouraged to talk less and to avoid offering advice—two things it’s tempting to do in the effort to feel valuable.

I’ll wrap up with a final suggestion, based on the assumption that therapeutic alliances should aim to be voluntary, as far as possible. You need to be free to make sure that your relationships serve you, and to be sure that you can serve them. We generally expect friendships and close alliances to exist through mutual consent and be mutually beneficial. Aristotle fiercely observes—much to the consternation of some philosophy students over the years!—that it’s better to cut ties with those who bring us down. Even if they were once good friends or allies.

In professional relationships too we need the freedom to choose. That’s why I recommend paying out of pocket for supervision, consultation, and therapy. Agencies and other organizations often provide free on-site supervision. But it’s rarely enough—especially when you’re a beginner. The weekly hour with an over-extended supervisor often devolves into admin, logistics, and putting out fires. Take what you can get, and go find outside supervision, consultation, therapy. It’s worth paying for. I’ve paid for continuous supervision since starting as an intern, over 10 years ago now. It remains the best investment I make in my professional development.

In work and life we need (mostly) to be able to choose the company we keep. Regarding therapy, when patients or therapists don’t feel it’s a good fit, they should (usually) be able to terminate the therapy. A disadvantage of working for agencies, insurers, or online platforms like BetterHelp is that you have limited control over your caseload’s size, composition, frequency of sessions, even treatment plan. In effect, this means you can’t function at your best, because you can’t customize the work. The result is that you are not necessarily working with the people you are most able to help, and you are not working as effectively as you might.

In sum, recognize that you are the special sauce that determines how effective therapy will be. Get to know yourself; and hard as it can be, try to be a better friend to yourself. Lean into relationships. If you’re trying to be of benefit to others, don’t neglect surrounding yourself with those who benefit you. Own your power and right to do so.

All good advice that I’m still learning to take.