Two Ways to Listen

Opening psychic and interpersonal space

Whenever our aim includes being psychically helpful—whether as a friend, parent, teacher, therapist etc—it’s a good idea to focus on listening. (See my last note for more tips on listening.) “Good listening” is a function of the quality of listening—not the quantity as calculated by the ratio of speech/silence in a conversation.

In this note I point out two kinds of space that we can open when we listen: inner or psychic space, and interpersonal space. It’s useful if we can track what kind of space is most needed in the circumstances. The basic need is often for psychic space, by which I mean the space in which a person gets to know what’s on their own mind and heart. In contrast, holding interpersonal space is about listening for what’s happening in the relationship. Both invite the person to explore and say for themselves what might otherwise be left unknown and unsaid.

In my early days as a therapist I worked at a residential treatment program for young adults. This included individual and family therapy. More than once I found myself working with parents who genuinely wanted to know what was on their adult child’s mind, yet felt walled out by them. Often they regarded themselves as good listeners, at least in the quantitative sense of giving their child time to talk. But who feels invited to share their mind when their parent’s opening gambit in a family therapy session is, “I know you’re an adult and that you can drink legally. But really, have you read the research? Do you know how bad drinking is? How can I support you quitting?” This is not how someone prepared to listen talks. No wonder their child is instantly defensive.

Even well-intentioned listening can be of poor quality. Many therapists and parents have caught themselves listening so enthusiastically that they’re providing a lot of “additive reflection”—the clinical term for a reply to what you heard that adds clarification or insight. This can turn into finishing people’s thoughts, drawing conclusions for them, articulating profound insights lurking in what they said. The person may feel gratified to be heard, but frustrated at having little space to work things out for themselves. Parents, therapists, and teachers who over-help (anticipating needs and providing direction or solutions) often deprive the other of the rewarding struggle to develop their own insights, reach their own conclusions, and trust their own minds. Thus we inadvertently foster dependence and diminish resilience.

Our failures to listen well—to hold the psychic space—often launch the person into awareness of the interpersonal space: They may have wanted to share why they feel so depressed, but instead are forcibly reminded of how intrusive and tone deaf their mom is when she’s anxious; or perhaps they feel resentfully aware of their therapist’s premature insightfulness. In both cases, they will push back, telling us or perhaps showing us by their behavior that they’re not feeling heard. This feedback puts us squarely in the interpersonal realm, though not perhaps in the way we’d hoped!

In closer therapeutic relationships, good listening includes attention to the interpersonal, social dimension of self. Part of what psychotherapy encourages is helping patients understand how others experience them. For example, a therapist may empathize with a patient's need to talk and be heard; we may even value how warmly insightful that talk is. And the therapist may also share with their patient that they feel walled out by the constant talk—and invite curiosity about their experience of this, and whether they’ve heard such feedback from others in their life. Or, in a more positive vein, a therapist might share that they appreciate the person’s wit or storytelling gifts or sensitivity to their partner’s needs, etc.

Both types of listening—creating space for self-reflection and for reflecting on interpersonal patterns—require the same foundational skill: resisting our impulse to fill the silence. The art lies in knowing which kind of space to offer when.